Angst to Awe
From Shame and Shadow to Sovereign and Sacred
My prevailing self-talk sounded like a discordant symphony. Relationships frayed, inner conflicts raged, and the authentic essence I sought was shrouded in shadow. Like many, I pursued answers in books and seminars. Over time, I accumulated a lot of personal development knowledge, which, when applied, turned out to be band-aids that did not heal the raw inner angst. . Was this the human experiment, a constant battle?
The Ego's Multi Masks
One of the battlefronts in many teachings is the demonization of the ego: “Get thee behind me Satan.” Not a bad little reminder. The problem is that the ego holds some of the best parts of ourselves hostage. We need the ego’s cooperation to reveal hidden parts of our past. Sounds crazy, hiding self from self, which is an exacting ego strategy: divide and conquer. The ego avoids any examination of its motives because it is entirely devoted to the job of protecting oneself, a lifetime purpose beyond reproach. Therefore, it is always others who are crazy. Very big job, sustaining a separate reality.
A New Pair of Glasses for the Default Self
We are social beings at the deepest level of our existence. How does one socialize the paranoid guardian of secrets? I would need to find value in the ego’s attributes, such as having access to the early days of self-development, being an expert on my uniqueness, understanding how pride distorts dignity, and the ability to rationalize almost anything. Very handy. My attention-seeking ego wants to take credit for everything. Why not enroll this part of me in service. Can the happiness of letting go of misery and finding peace in the absence of fear be a one-for-all and all-for-one experiment? Strange as it may sound, the ego’s secret longing is to be part of the gang.
Forming the 3 Amigos Band
One day, I was looping replays of a long-standing family feud. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I am the producer, director, actor, and writer of this event. Therefore, I can create whatever story I want to tell myself. In fact I do. It’s a question of whose voice is telling the story and what purpose does the story serve. Ego’s story, which is pretty much the same old “woe is me”, or A creative voice of self discovery story.
I deeply longed for peace of mind. I was wonderstruck by a vision of “Three Amigos”: Default Self (the vigilant ego), Creative Self (inspired, intuitive intelligent), and Higher Self (the whisper of inherent wisdom). These weren’t just psychological constructs; they were characters in my internal drama. The Default Self, a repository of past hurts and perceived threats, relating to life from behind walls of isolation. The Creative Self, yearning for unique expression, was too often silenced by fear of judgement. And the Higher Self, like a loving parent watching the child’s follies, a wisdom whispering when your ready child ……..
Integrating Parts to the Whole.
A shift began. I started to see that what was once adversarial is, in fact, integral to the whole of life’s experience. I learned to recognize the Default Self’s fear-driven narratives as a cry for help, and to acknowledge ego’s obsessive control as a need for safety. I gave my Creative Self time and energy to breathe life into the XO Playbook. I deepened my meditation practices, listening to the quiet nudges of intuition that guided me towards synchronous connections.
The path to freedom is not a linear path. There were and are setbacks, moments when old patterns resurface. But with each step through the obstacles, I discovered a new layer of freedom: freedom from the tyranny of the ego, freedom to express my heartfelt self, and freedom to find common ground and open spaces with others.
DECA: Navigating Inner Landscapes
It took me a while to recognize the dynamics of flow energy. I call this process DECA, Dynamic Energy Creating Awareness. DECA became my compass. It taught me to observe the energy shifts within me. Acknowledge the triggers that sent me spiraling into old patterns. Breathwork, creative practices, and moments of quiet contemplation became tools for navigating the inner landscape. Sensing my experience as energy waves or pulses helps me with heart brain coherence. More expanded awareness.
Harmonizing Sovereignty and Relationships
As I began to harmonize my sense of sovereignty, the quality of communication changed my relationships. My stubborn go-to walls of isolation crumbled, replaced by bridges of kindness and empathy. I discovered that true connection embraces differences and finds common ground amidst the chaos.
I saw my ostrich approach to difficulty often resulted in a kick in the ass. Such a tempting target. I discovered my habit of resistance was a path to resilience, especially on a yoga mat. I discovered peace amidst the chaos, finding joy in the act of creation, and surrendering to love, in all its forms.
Love, the Unifying Force
Love clarified everything. Having loving thoughts that sought opportunity to create loving moments. Opening to the flow of love with my partner especially. Receiving unconditional acceptance from friends. Responding to opportunity in my community. Not because of a romantic ideal, but through sourcing the Lifeforce that stitches the broken parts within. I like the metaphor “I’m just another bozo on the bus.” I’m flawed and grateful. I continue to learn how to forgive myself and others. The empathy I receive from a loving friend cleanses the stain of self doubt. I am ok as I am. A gift I am blessed to pass on to others. I feel deeply connected with the inherent beauty of the human experience.
The Adventure of XO Playbook
The experience I describe in the story above is unique to me. My reflections and revelations I trust are relatable to those with similar desires and struggles. As a Life Path Coach I am privileged to work with people on a journey of personal freedom. The magic of witnessing clients experience their awe-ha moments is amazing. I believe that personal healing of the brokenness in our relationships raises the collective presence of peace. Coaching in general supports people becoming their better and sometimes best self. As a singular voice, I don’t know much. With a unified voice, I can hear what I need to learn. The symphony of selves is a work in progress. Every day, I face challenges with a newfound sense of purpose, to let go of whatever is in the way of this awesome happy destiny adventure.